I’m new to KC, started coming in 2009. I have absorbed all the basic philosphical teachings and have been trying to apply them in my life. However, I also have been struggling with addiction to food and sexual behaviours, as well as anxiety and depression, and I am starting to get really discouraged because I feel that I have tried so many times to stop doing those things, but the memory and the habit of having done them for so many years remains engrained in my mind and all it takes is the slightest thing to “trigger” me or for my chanting to be a little weak and I will start getting the old urges again and then fall back into my old behaviours.
I’m really depressed right now because after a really good week of chanting almost 4 rounds a day and following my recovery program (I have to follow a meal plan and gain weight) I suffered a really terrible relapse today and am feeling that my behaviours are so abominable that it would be almost and insult to pick up my sadhana again.
It always seems that if I don’t chant in to morning my day is shot. I eat things that I shouldn’t in ways that I shouldn’t and I do other things that I am really ashamed of (against the regulative principles.) The problem is these things that I am addicted to are things that I have done since childhood before I knew there was anything “bad” about them. At least I didn’t know about hell at the time so I didn’t worry about it. But now these behaviors are really interfering in my life and I need to stop but I feel I can’t on my own.
My question is: does anybody know of some devotees who have knowledge of addiction or mental/behavioral reprogramming or psychology that I could have counselling with? I would really like to work with someone who understands the devotee perspective. I am afraid to go to the psychiatric ward because I’ve already been there once as an inpatient and I had to eat meat. I know they will just adjust my medication or give me more medication and I really don’t want that.
Thank you so much in advance,